January 27, 2010

Tattoo on my mind

Uh-oh, visiting that piercing/tattoo shop reactivated the wish for another tattoo. Browsing the web & dreaming what it should look like, what spot on my body begs for ink the hardest...
I love how one symbol keeps popping up in my quest for a meaningful and strong way to express the changes I'm going through.

A Buddhist symbol, especially the Ohm sign, would be a good one. I'm not a Buddhist (yet), but that way of life matches with my values and parts of that culture (I'd rather see it as a culture instead of a religion) are embedded in my life already. I love how this one is done.

Another symbol with meaning to me is the Egyptian Ankh, which stands for (eternal) life. It often comes back in my drawings and in the jewelry I buy, I'm attracted to it. It's great that it has similarities with the female sign as well and it brings back fond memories of our trip to Egypt many years ago. It was just magical to walk around in that surreal landscape, the atmosphere in the Valley of the Kings almost sacred. Haha, well, not the atmosphere in Cairo though, that was just hectic ;)

But the one symbol that keeps crossing my path is the Hopi labyrinth. It represents the path of life. When you're finding your way through the mazes, you might get stuck and search for other ways. One moment you're close to the centre, while the other you're closer to the outlines, which could represent the world outside. When I saw these labyrinths in the past (when I first heard about the Hopi), my thought was: getting out of that maze, that's what life and surviving is about. But when I look at it now, I don't feel a need to escape, I want to be inside that labyrinth, walking that path. And we'll just see where it leads to and what will cross my path.
But there's another twist: Hopi symbols always remind me of my father. We share wonderful memories of a celebration we organised together, many years ago. It made a lasting impression on me and I know my dad cherishes those memories as well. It was a string that attached us during his stay in the hospitals, where his own story evolved into a book about a tiny King. And as a symbol of trust, he gave Albert the last remain of that celebration during our wedding ceremony.

A lot comes together in this Hopi symbol and I'm thinking of having it tattoed on my right arm, the arm that wears the scars. It would be perfect to have it on the inside of my wrist, covering the place that tempted me so often to cut deeper.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the self harm behind. Probably not, not yet. But I am ready to close the chapter of suicide.

The last couple of weeks I felt I was going down the drain again and I was scared to lose my grip on life again.
I haven't lost it. I'm still here & going strong. I'm still alive and I'll continue my travel. Hopefully with a small symbol on my skin soon, to remind me.

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