May 6, 2009

Vom Himmelhoch Jauchzend Zum Tode Betrübt

Woke up inspired today.

When Albert left the bed, I gathered my drawing/sketching gear, made myself a cup of coffee, put on my mp3 player and started drawing. Went into "flow" mode (that's when you're totally caught up in that moment, that activity) and thought: yeah, Julia Cameron is right in The Artist's Way, being creative is opening up yourself and letting the flow go just through you.

One of the drawings had the effect of filling in a mandala for me: totally focussed, tracing the lines that I'd drawn before, the joy of adding colour and noticing colouring works for me this time (most of the time I only draw black & white).
Then a new idea came up in my head, but as I started working that out, another, even better idea bubbled up, so switched to that.
In the meantime I was singing along really loud, probably ear-damaging for people around.
And then: oh, I nééd to share this fantastic flow! Text message to a fellow creative mind, running downstairs to post a yell on the BookCrossing forum, ran upstairs again, went on with the drawing and noticed my hands had started to shake and my heart was pounding in my throat.
Tried to go on, I know what these signs mean: the hypomanic episode is coming to an end. Wanted to finish my drawing while I still had the flow, but my fingers refused.
And there I went...
The big ball of empty darkness in my body started to grow rapidly and I felt like throwing up. Said to myself: take care of yourself NOW, don't let it come self harming far!
Took a few xanax and went downstairs again, straight to this blog to write. Sometimes this helps to calm down enough to stop the fast breathing and the panic. Don't know about this moment, still feel like going to explode. No, implode.

Also want to catch this moment, because afterwards it's almost impossible to explain or to even remember how I was feeling.
Don't know where this comes from, have been feeling restless for several days already, not knowing what to do with myself and my moods. Couldn't even focus on reading a book, not even a magazine, which is very very rare in my case.

At the moment I feel kinda high, but not on a nice level anymore. Or high? Yeah maybe, it's like I'm staring into the abyss, just one foot on the edge, trying to keep my balance.
Scared? Just a little. I know what's in the abyss, been there done that. Will survive.
But it makes me mad, why don't hypers just slowly fade away instead of spoiling the fun like this?! Aaargghh!

What I need to do right now (yep, I know the Xamantha manual by heart although I often try to ignore it) is a big mug of calming tea, a few ciggies and either some more tranquillizers or a tiny bit of herb smoking. Then a jug (kruka^^), calm music on my mp3 and just slip into a soothing daze. Sounds easy but it's gonna be a struggle, cuz my head is still spinning with all kinds of creative impulses and it's so tempting to give in!
Maybe write all the ideas down on a piece of paper first, than I won't have to worry about forgetting those anymore.
Well, this is one of the sides of my borderline disorder.
Enjoyed the show? ;)
I hope, by doing this, to give the outside world a little peek inside so they can understand me a bit better. It may be impulsive to post this on my Light blog, but I think the things I wrote could barely be used against me.
Ah well.

PS: there's a sequel. It's on my 'heavy' blog.

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