May 25, 2009


Sigh. It's one of those days/nights again.
Friday was a good, actually a very good day, but the bill came when evening fell: exhausted, felt like the smallest sound or touch would make me burst out in hysterical screaming. Or something like that. So, counted my blessings (the main part of the day was nice) and went to bed early with an extra pill and a nice book.
We had planned a birthday visit to my brother in law, but I was still at the edge of screaming, so we stayed at home. Slept all day.
This morning there was energy again, hooray!
We went for a cup of coffee, nothing big or fancy or far from home, just coffee. And I enjoyed being outdoors. But then I noticed the joy was overwhelming me. Too much, too fast. Heard myself talking faster and faster, more and more unfocused and I knew if I'd give in to all the ideas that were dazzling in my head, I'd lose control and happiness would end up in tears.
But hey! I was aware of this mood swing while it was happening, and that's such a difference with years ago! The swings are unwanted, but I can now guide myself through them. Well, at least this time I was able to do that. Often it occurs so rapidly that I'm in the middle of it before I realize what's going on.
Anyway, I told Albert. He'd already noticed ;)
Agreed with him and myself that the rest of the day should be very quiet, without activities that invite my head to go spinning. We had dinner, watched some tv, I registered some books and then it was time to go to bed.
Awww, couldn't focus on the book I was reading and was too restless to meditate. Ideas, ideas, ideas, all waiting for me to explore. Tense, so tense.
Couldn't resist the urge to leave the bed, so here I am, in the middle of the night, sipping tea, smoking. Maybe trying to find words for my feelings helps?
We'll see.
Going back to bed, try to get a few hours of sleep before the day begins.
Good night!

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